Feeling Sad & Emotional Down

I can't imagining i am actually going through such... i just was so hurt that i can't accept the fact of living in reality.

Rejected....
Its every gal's dream to found that man who is willing to take care of them. Be there for them and grow in a relationship getting to know and to learn about each other and coping with each others differences. I taught i have. but now i am not sure anymore.

When he proposed i just can't wait to say yes. But i don't want to marry for the wrong reason. Not because of my age, and not because i have to. Family is the most important element for me though they didn't provide me an environment of encouragement there still very important for me especially my parent. Thus i need their full support. its important.

But... what i get was warning. I felt so lost. this man proposing and marrying him means i have to move to Ipoh, i will loose my job (both of it), loose my friends and relative, i can't go anywhere i wanted to go anymore with who i wanted to, and i could have more burden to take up coz i don't know this man who want to marry me will actually able to look after me.

But deep down i do wanted to marry him coz i do love him. After struggling for half year, lots of prayer and lots of sacrifice have to be made i decided i will marry him.

But after i decided he told me he didn't prepare any fund to marry me. Not even a place to stay in. Gosh... even a bird need to see a nest before they mate can u imaging what i am getting myself into???

I guess he doesn't think its important to me. But its very. He can't marry me and expect me to stay with his parent. I don't want any conflict with his parent coz i felt my relationship with them is currently quite good. beside that its hard to cope with 1 person living habits but to cope with a family's living habit? its too much for me to take it. I even have to cope with finding a job, coz he didn't promised to take care of me. Why i have to get into this predicted Mess. I really don't want. I don't like. and out of depression i just ask him to GO coz i don't want to listen anymore the words he kept telling me thats he can't take care of me.

I know i may hurt him so i appoligize with a sms this morning. But still i don't want to be in a scenario of such.

Now i felt Alone and Rejected.

Question running through my mind, non stop. The wedding is a nothing thingy.
To me. Its important that "he" would like to marry me coz he want to take care of me from this day onward, through bad times and good, and till Jesus come. Its important to me if me and "him" will walk on this quest being together closer while we walk out path will always center on christ. To grow and learning to depend on him always with that person i love is so important. To have home. Not in other's home, but at least a home of ourself. if we are going to have children, i want to make sure we as parent will dedicated to invest in their education but of all education their knowledge on the word of God is the most important one. If we are ready for this step then we will have children. If not.... it just mean we have to wait.

My dream wedding.... lots of flowers, lots of garden, lots of happy people from every where around the world. Gather together in a humble church yet fill with so much flowers fragrant and colors that God have make to witness this special day for what? coz infront of God, family and friend will we plesh our love and willingness to walk this live together. taking care of each other till the rest of our life. Wanting to thank out parent for taking care of us and being there to witness our wedding. After that i wanted that lovely small bite size Refreshment. under some canopy... letting the guess enjoy the felowship and fun while the couple take pictures with them not on stage only but around while they taking their refreshment. I want that natural feeling. and the best things is not going home and have dinner later but luncheon if its poss ible and everybody can go home and rest after that. luncheon can be under canopy as well ... get catering to cater, if not the hotel opposite the road. i don't know its just my idea of wedding ...

But what idea of wedding he is having? i don't know....

now after using SKii my face get really bad and its recovering. Before its totally recover how to get married ooh .... i just want the pleasure of time to be the most beautiful gal for him on that day.... giving my all. But how about him.... whats will he think???

for things to work 1st he must be willing to take care of me .... i don't think any gal will be willing to go through thick and thin with a man if he can't even wan to take care of her. Why get married and going through the coping stage??? while i can take care of myself. Why because i love him so i have to bear all the burden and sacrifice alone and walk into uncertainy??

God whats ur plan for me? this test... just too much hurt for me to bear...