Hurt... yet refuse to be seen down.....

Last nite... S pour out his fruss on me again, as i express my self being almost suffocated from being sandwich between him and my parent. I was hopping he will consoled me and give me some comfort which i am pleading for some but... with a "don't want to care more voice" saying ... " Lis why u so POH MAH.... " and .......... my heart sank and out of desperation to protect myself i defencively tell him off admiting i am such and if he don't like the way i am don't marry me. I was actually suffering from migraine ... the hurt goes beyound the migraine as my heart sank deeper hoping someone will trow a rope but Hopes are all dead when i told him i wanna hang up and i hang up and he never called me back. when after a long idle hours... i sms him asking why .. he said that i ask for it.

WOW... total total Bizzar kena BING BONG BINDONGBONG!!! suddenly i just feel like running off. Anyway... i don't care. At least i don't need to face MCSB people, don't need to face my parent, as well as S's presure. I just like running... But instead of some word to make the hurt goes away... i been face even more... by his hurtful word when i asked him why can't he at least try to learn how to love me the way i felt love? 3 yrs, 3 months and 8 days i been with him... non of the anniversary he surprise me with some effort unless i tell him i want to celebrate it.. at least during the first year he would write me cards, or print nice photo of us put around the house... but now when on dispair i get another kick that he taught all these years his loved is not felt by me and asked me not to marry him. The feeling overwelm when i received that sms... i knell down and pray in tears and cry out to God. i found myself crying so profusely that i i have to sit by the sink to wash my mucous as it pack up in my nose. Lastly all he can tell me that his tired and in bed ... leave him alone.

I did... and i didn't intend to call nor see him for awhile. that very second all i want to do is Hang my self or jump down from my apartment so this pain will go off.

I wish at least what he been telling me that he miss me and he loved me is seen in his move and action. I wish he would tell me Lis i am going to Pangkor for the anual outing i would love u to come along instead he tell me u want to come? when his been offer for a trip he tells me all the things he will have fun doing and how glad his pal will be going by coinsident... but in side i was asking where do i fit in?? I taught he would tell me hey dear i wish u can come but its a sponsor trip and its a group thingy so its not so convenience. BUT he said there is too much people going so better off u don't go . If u want i go with u other day. Sad lah... feel a little like being singled out and feel like i give him mah fan, and with me he can't enjoy his time. Beside that he promised Jayce he will go for the banquet but now because of the trip he will just leave me going alone. Have he ever taught of what will i feel? Suddenly i just felt his so selfish and i asked myself can i live with it being faithful toward this man who think about himself alone for the rest of my life?? again i try to run. don't want to face the question...

It take me 1 week fasting... to accept the fact to accept him. Even now he push wanting to marry me fast. Yet expect me to stay with his family. I felt i beeing neglected. How a person who tell me how much he care and love me want me to be under a roof of his parent and under his father who head the family. as for him out of covinence ignored his role i need him to play thats head of our little family. Isn't it enough for us to cope with our differences staying in a roof ?? and yet he wanted me to cope with 5 people difference?? ... I too need a love nest .. so i can go back home. which it call my home. into an open arms telling me its ok ... i am home.

I am disapointed yet all i can do is pray.

Earth Hour 28 March 2009 (8:30 - 9:30pm)

Malaysia Earth hour!! Twin Tower....
That day i remember it as its a rainning nite.... and i have prepared the candles and lighters before i actually taught of going out or not.... but i off every lights in my apartment.

Few of us hike up through youth park with torch + umbrella... drench and scary up the trail just to witness the earth hour. It was a disappointment i would say. alot of the apartment lights weren't off. All advertising lights were on ... hmmm but i am happy coz its a memorable day. A day that the whole globe people is trying to give mother earth a break from global warming.
Still drench and wet, as had a simple dinner in northern beach cafe. That place is one place u should go if you want to have expatrait food. From vetnamese to Thai and france to philippines. the food is nice. expecially like the pumpkin cheese cake. :) wat a nite.

March 4 - An Ocean Of Ink

"Above - when the cup is heated the sea will rise "amazing"

Ever cross your mind and wonder how much Ink there is, if the whole ocean is filled with Ink??? Yup the whole sea water turn into Ink and Yet the amount of it can't even come close to the Love of God to Man is. Can you imagine how much God love us??

The word said:
^{Ephesians 1:23}Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all.

^{Ephesians 3:8}Unto me, who am less than the least of all saints, is this grace given, that I should preach among the Gentiles the unsearchable riches of Christ;

^{Ephesians 3:18}May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; ¹⁹And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.

^{Collosians 3:11}Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian,
Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all.


God's Love -
"width" - refers to its worldwide embrance (John 3:16)
"Length" - its existence through all ages (Eph 3:21)
"Depth" - its profound wisdom (Rom 11:33)
"Height" - victory over sin opening way to heaven (Eph 4:8)

I never realised how much how much God love me and how much i am worth till i ponder through his love letters. This morning i am so touch. Last night there is rain and everything seems so green and lovely this morning and it just lifted me, and i just can't wait to share and i sms 2 person, a friend i miss at work and a friend who is troubled. May God take care of them and let them know how much i miss them.

Things Run Well unexpectedly!!

After a heart breaking session i didn't realised He just wanted to clear up that "Taking care" and "feeding a wife" is different. Hmmm so confused. But well this time he didn't ignored me things just cool down just like that.. surprisingly. he wanted me to sit down with him and draft out what is each of us expectation. Hmmm But this weekend we didn't have time. So many things just come in places.

This morning we 4 people go for breakfast and he ask my mom and dad about wanting to marry me and asked their permission.. I can't imagine both of them looked at me and trow back the ball toward me. I am puzzle and just smile. Dad said if you can take care of My daughter and its ok with my daughter then ok ooh... But when in the everning dad and mom ask why didn't i tell them that he going to ask them?? Hmmm i puzzle. I really don't know. Again dad said its ur choice. Mom said this is your choice. As if they don't want to be responsible of me at all if i make the choice. Mmm doesn't this big decision which i already struggle through last yr settled?? Why they still push this to me like that? Doesn't it matter to them at all who i marry?? where will i be? who i will end up with??

Hmmm... i see my friend's parent trying to patch her with some good family guy... which she think that this guy can take care of her daughter and try to patch them. Well and if things work out parent all happy. Children happy. Hmmm things not work out the circle goes again. As for my parent, there wasn't happy about any one guy being with me. But of all due to he is SDA too they don't quite say much. Of course they did worry about his career, health, education and financial. But still didn't really reject us. Hmm I am feeling little bit lost.