Last nite... S pour out his fruss on me again, as i express my self being almost suffocated from being sandwich between him and my parent. I was hopping he will consoled me and give me some comfort which i am pleading for some but... with a "don't want to care more voice" saying ... " Lis why u so POH MAH.... " and .......... my heart sank and out of desperation to protect myself i defencively tell him off admiting i am such and if he don't like the way i am don't marry me. I was actually suffering from migraine ... the hurt goes beyound the migraine as my heart sank deeper hoping someone will trow a rope but Hopes are all dead when i told him i wanna hang up and i hang up and he never called me back. when after a long idle hours... i sms him asking why .. he said that i ask for it.
WOW... total total Bizzar kena BING BONG BINDONGBONG!!! suddenly i just feel like running off. Anyway... i don't care. At least i don't need to face MCSB people, don't need to face my parent, as well as S's presure. I just like running... But instead of some word to make the hurt goes away... i been face even more... by his hurtful word when i asked him why can't he at least try to learn how to love me the way i felt love? 3 yrs, 3 months and 8 days i been with him... non of the anniversary he surprise me with some effort unless i tell him i want to celebrate it.. at least during the first year he would write me cards, or print nice photo of us put around the house... but now when on dispair i get another kick that he taught all these years his loved is not felt by me and asked me not to marry him. The feeling overwelm when i received that sms... i knell down and pray in tears and cry out to God. i found myself crying so profusely that i i have to sit by the sink to wash my mucous as it pack up in my nose. Lastly all he can tell me that his tired and in bed ... leave him alone.
I did... and i didn't intend to call nor see him for awhile. that very second all i want to do is Hang my self or jump down from my apartment so this pain will go off.
I wish at least what he been telling me that he miss me and he loved me is seen in his move and action. I wish he would tell me Lis i am going to Pangkor for the anual outing i would love u to come along instead he tell me u want to come? when his been offer for a trip he tells me all the things he will have fun doing and how glad his pal will be going by coinsident... but in side i was asking where do i fit in?? I taught he would tell me hey dear i wish u can come but its a sponsor trip and its a group thingy so its not so convenience. BUT he said there is too much people going so better off u don't go . If u want i go with u other day. Sad lah... feel a little like being singled out and feel like i give him mah fan, and with me he can't enjoy his time. Beside that he promised Jayce he will go for the banquet but now because of the trip he will just leave me going alone. Have he ever taught of what will i feel? Suddenly i just felt his so selfish and i asked myself can i live with it being faithful toward this man who think about himself alone for the rest of my life?? again i try to run. don't want to face the question...
It take me 1 week fasting... to accept the fact to accept him. Even now he push wanting to marry me fast. Yet expect me to stay with his family. I felt i beeing neglected. How a person who tell me how much he care and love me want me to be under a roof of his parent and under his father who head the family. as for him out of covinence ignored his role i need him to play thats head of our little family. Isn't it enough for us to cope with our differences staying in a roof ?? and yet he wanted me to cope with 5 people difference?? ... I too need a love nest .. so i can go back home. which it call my home. into an open arms telling me its ok ... i am home.
I am disapointed yet all i can do is pray.
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